Saturday, 27 June 2009


I'd forgotten, til I started writing this blog, how much I enjoy writing. I've never been one for penning songs or poetry I just like pouring my feelings out to an unresponsive medium, one that won't answer back, or try to hug me or do any of the things that the nearest human tries to do.

I'm not a physical person. I don't like possessiveness, or overt displays of affection. I don't really do hugging people unless i'm saying goodbye to them, or they need it. Not me. I don't like being hugged unless there's a good reason for it. Me being upset is not a good reason.

I realise, as I write this that there's no-one who reads it! That's right, I'm writing a own secret blog that no-one else reads. Its me writing to myself. I used to do that when I was younger – go through the right books on my shelves and you'll find little notes written about how i'm feeling that day. They were usually written in a fit of pique and allowed me to pour out my feelings without someone looking at me in a sympathetic way, or trying o come up with solutions to my problems. Most of my problems have always been emotional. I'm a level optimist. I believe that the glass is always half full, in fact, its always brimming over if you know where to look.

The problem with being an optimist is that when things go wrong for you, you sweep violently the other way. You become the most cynical person, the glass will never even think of being filled ever again. do something about it.

The other problem I have is that I never tell someone how I feel, or what I think until its too late. If it did these things earlier, i'd have a lot less trouble. Maybe I try to protect myself by not telling people these things...avoiding rejection if you like, or maybe I just don't actually realise that I feel this way until its too late.

My Passport arrived today...4 days earlier than expected. This is good. I've scanned in the back page, and my degree certificate (yes, imaginary readers, I do have a degree), and a passport photo of myself and i've emailed them to Prof. Thomas who is running the China Programme. I've also posted these copies, and my application form, and my cheque to him. China gets ever closer.

Maybe that's why i'm being so reflective at the moment. I don't have time to dwell on the past, so i'm dwelling on myself and the future. I'm leaving all that is safe and comfortable for a life of the unknown. I can't wait!

At the moment, i'm on a train on my way to York. I love travelling, especially on my own. I don't have anyone to make plans for me, or tell me that they want to do something that I don't. I can sit on the train and read, or knit, or write without someone trying to make futile conversation with me while I nod and smile politely, secretly wanting them to shut up and leave me in peace.

One day...when I have readers, I want them to comment lots. I'll always be fairly solitary, but I want comments, I want people to let me know whether i'm odd, or normal. Do they have the same feelings towards other human beings (it is only humans...i can spend hours in the company of animals and never resent them).

Got to go...coming into the station soon, and it'll take some time for the laptop to turn off!


Ladybug said...

You do have readers Fee and I'd like to say that you write very well! I don't think it's unusual to want to be alone and do your own thing - sometimes I resent the pressures put on me by others. BUT life is about compromise and when you find the right person to share you life with somehow you don't mind not doing everything your own way. Good luck with your travels I'll be watching with interest.

The Fee Fairy said...

Wow! My first comment!

I'm playing with the blog a bit at the moment, trying to sort out how the pictures are going to go in and stuff. Its been ok for me, but GMan is having great trouble!