Reflections

I'd forgotten, til I started writing this blog, how much I enjoy writing. I've never been one for penning songs or poetry I just like pouring my feelings out to an unresponsive medium, one that won't answer back, or try to hug me or do any of the things that the nearest human tries to do.

I'm not a physical person. I don't like possessiveness, or overt displays of affection. I don't really do hugging people unless i'm saying goodbye to them, or they need it. Not me. I don't like being hugged unless there's a good reason for it. Me being upset is not a good reason.

I realise, as I write this that there's no-one who reads it! That's right, I'm writing a blog...my own secret blog that no-one else reads. Its me writing to myself. I used to do that when I was younger – go through the right books on my shelves and you'll find little notes written about how i'm feeling that day. They were usually written in a fit of pique and allowed me to pour out my feelings without someone looking at me in a sympathetic way, or trying o come up with solutions to my problems. Most of my problems have always been emotional. I'm a level optimist. I believe that the glass is always half full, in fact, its always brimming over if you know where to look.

The problem with being an optimist is that when things go wrong for you, you sweep violently the other way. You become the most cynical person, the glass will never even think of being filled ever again. Then...you do something about it.

The other problem I have is that I never tell someone how I feel, or what I think until its too late. If it did these things earlier, i'd have a lot less trouble. Maybe I try to protect myself by not telling people these things...avoiding rejection if you like, or maybe I just don't actually realise that I feel this way until its too late.

My Passport arrived today...4 days earlier than expected. This is good. I've scanned in the back page, and my degree certificate (yes, imaginary readers, I do have a degree), and a passport photo of myself and i've emailed them to Prof. Thomas who is running the China Programme. I've also posted these copies, and my application form, and my cheque to him. China gets ever closer.

Maybe that's why i'm being so reflective at the moment. I don't have time to dwell on the past, so i'm dwelling on myself and the future. I'm leaving all that is safe and comfortable for a life of the unknown. I can't wait!

At the moment, i'm on a train on my way to York. I love travelling, especially on my own. I don't have anyone to make plans for me, or tell me that they want to do something that I don't. I can sit on the train and read, or knit, or write without someone trying to make futile conversation with me while I nod and smile politely, secretly wanting them to shut up and leave me in peace.

One day...when I have readers, I want them to comment lots. I'll always be fairly solitary, but I want comments, I want people to let me know whether i'm odd, or normal. Do they have the same feelings towards other human beings (it is only humans...i can spend hours in the company of animals and never resent them).

Got to go...coming into the station soon, and it'll take some time for the laptop to turn off!

Cookbook

I ordered Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan a few weeks ago, and it arrived today! Yeay!

I've been reading a few other blogs, and a lot of the bakers have been going on about Tuesdays With Dorie, so i wanted to join in.

The book should be called 'Baking P0rn...pictures of cakes' The photography is wonderful, and i want to make so many of the recipes already! 

Its a large book, bigger than i expected, and has hundreds of gorgeous, easy to follow recipes.

Not sure ifi'm going to be able to fulfil the rules for TWD at the moment - especially when i go to China, i understand that a lot of houses don't have ovens, but i'm going to see what i can do!

Amazon and the Jumping Credit Card

Well...I've managed to spend money on Amazon today.

I was supposed to be in work...and i turned up, but apparently I's booked today off as holiday as well as yesterday and Monday.

Going to York on Friday to stay with people who love me. I'm planning to go to DV80s on Friday ngiht and then have a night in with Smurf and Bert on Saturday...so far...

So...back to Amazon - i went on to get some books about China. I need some books for travelling, and some phrasebooks and stuff. £30 later...i've got 5 books about China coming!

I've emailed the man running the programme to tell him that i will be applying this year, i just need to get my passport through the post so that i can fill in the last bits of the application. Hopefully, the passport will be here by Tuesday, which i slightly later than he wanted the application in by, but hopefully the email will have worked. I've also got to bug the people writing my references to get them to hurry up, then i can send him everything but the passport page.

Fingers crossed!! I will be updating this more regularly now. I'd forgotten how cathartic it is to blog. My Livejournal account from years ago just ended up being a place that i complained a lot in...

Ups and Downs

I haven't knitted all weekend.

I'm not in the mod to be honest with you.

J and i broke up on Sunday. I'm pretty much devastated, and as i'm sure he doesn't read this, its safe to carry on here.

He slept with his ex on Friday. It was a one-off, they were both drunk (or high). She did it to get back at her current boyfriend. Is it just me, or are some women sick? Its ok for her, her relationship didn't break. Mine did. The man i was with decided that if he was going to do it once, he still loved her and that he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. That includes me.

I don't get it...i would never sleep with someone who was with someone else...not in a million years unless i was sure that we were going to end up together. She doesn't want him, yet she still did it. There was a lot of 'i know which buttons to press' going on, and probably a bit of 'nice to know i still can' a bit of an ego boost.

I know that he's not innocent, and that he shouldn't have done it, but i can forgive him. I knew when we staarted the relationship that he still had feelings for her, and that he was probably very high at the time. Therefore, i can forgive him because he's been fucked over and used by her.

I hate people. I hate other people. Why can't people just have decent morals? Do i have 'Use me for a rebound and the fuck someone else' tattooed on my forehead?

Knitting on the Move

The I Knit Londond treasure hunt was yesterday.

And i joined in...and i roped in a bloke from Work (Paul) too!

The basic rules are that each team must have a knitter, we must find 10 sheep in London...and take photos at strategic locations!

We found 9 sheep, and took photos:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_fee_fairy/3624353021/

Thanks I Knit for a great day!

The Sewing Machine Meme

The sewing machine meme is from the Sew Mama Sew blog.

I love SMS! Its got so many handy bits to it, and they do some fantastic tutes and reviews.

What brand and model do you have?

I have 3 machines - a 1953 Singer, a 1954 Singer and a 1910 Vesta

How long have you had it?

I've had the Vesta for many years, but i'm going to move it on to someone else because it only works for a week or so after servicing.

I've had the 1954 Singer for about 6 months i think. Its beautiful!

I've had the 1953 Singer a bit longer.

How much does that machine cost (approximately)?

The Vesta cost  me £10 at an auction, and then £30 for a service.

The 1954 Singer was free - i had to pick it up. It hasn't been serviced yet, i'm hoping to learn to do it myself,  Its an electric/treadle and too big and heavy to cart about.

The 1953 Singer was also free, and it cost me £75 for servicing!! Not taking it there again!

What types of things do you sew (i.e. quilting, clothing, handbags, home dec projects, etc.)?

Whatever i'm in the mood for that day...

How much do you sew? How much wear and tear does the machine get?

I;ve not sewn a lot with any of them yet - the vesta breaks down regularly, the treadle/electric needs servicing before i use it, and the 1953 i just haven't had the chance to sit down with it! It did sew a denim rug at the weekend though.

Do you like/love/hate your machine? Are you ambivalent? Passionate? Does she have a name?

I love them...all of them! My favourite at the moment is the 1953- it looks pretty and sounds wonderful!

What features does your machine have that work well for you?

The 1953 is made to be used for everything, and i love that. Its made to go through denim, and cotton and layers of stuff. Its more sturdy than a modern machine in my opinion.

THe 1954 is gorgeous, it is a treadle that has been converted so that it can be either. I need a new lead for it before i even start...

The vesta is pretty, and it is a hand-crank machine.

Is there anything that drives you nuts about your machine?
The vesta drives me nuts every time i try to use it!! It just won't work!

The 1953 has some gorgeous feet that i just can't get threaded properly

the 1954 needs servicing...

Do you have a great story to share about your machine (i.e., Found it under the Christmas tree? Dropped it on the kitchen floor? Sewed your fingernail to your zipper?, Got it from your Great Grandma?, etc.!)? We want to hear it!
Nope...not yet...

Would you recommend the machine to others? Why?

I'd definitely recommend getting a vintage Singer to anyone. The parts are pretty easy to get hold of, and they're made to be used to make everything - they were the housewife's best friend.

What factors do you think are important to consider when looking for a new machine?

Stability, is it going to walk off the table? Ease of use, and 'Is it strong enough' - Can the motor handle what you want to sew? I love using denim and corduroy, but some of the modern machines can't take the layers, and have trouble. The older ones don't.

Do you have a dream machine?
I own my dream machine - the 1954 singer - treadle and electric. If there's a power cut right at the end of the project, its not a problem, i can just treadle my way through it!